Why the death of Liam Payne hit me so hard

After a long day at work, I received a text from my sister in our family group chat that read, “Apparently, Liam Payne is dead.”

“Stop. No, he isn’t,” was my automatic response.

Working in news, I know there have been numerous instances where websites post false information about a celebrity’s death for clicks. Later, the celebrity would come online and say, “Hold on, guys. I’m not dead.”

When I went on X, however, Liam Payne was trending, and both CNN and ABC reported on it.

I felt sick to my stomach.

I sat up on the couch, scrolling through articles with headlines reading, “Liam Payne dead at 31 after falling from hotel balcony in Argentina.”

I stayed in the same spot for the next two hours, and even now, more than 12 hours later, I can't say if the feelings I experienced were confusion, devastation, or pure shock.

It’s been nine years since One Direction went on hiatus.

Since then, I’ve graduated high school and college, moved out of my parents' house, gotten my own cat, and been sober for almost 15 months.

Although I moved on with my life, nine years ago, when I was just 17, I never thought I could do so without One Direction.

One Direction WAS my entire life. 

As I look back on middle school and high school, I have memories of comfort and belonging when I think about being their fan; from going online and making friends, to listening to their music and watching their videos, and of course, attending their concerts.

I became a writer, inspired by hours spent crafting fanfiction about them when I was only 13. I pursued the career of writing, working full time as a journalist today. 

Being a One Direction fan was an escape for me, my source of happiness, in a world where I felt sad, confused, and lonely. 

Without that, I’m not sure I’d be the person I am today.

So, hearing the news about Liam’s death—something I still can’t believe—is hard to comprehend.

Comprehending anyone’s death, especially someone who died so young, is a hard thing for any human being to do. 

Many may think grieving a celebrity’s death is ridiculous, but a parasocial relationship with a celebrity will give you that acceptance feeling. It’s something I craved all my life, and it’s something I felt being a fan of One Direction. 

Liam and the rest of One Direction gave me that feeling. And although I didn’t know him personally, I feel like I lost someone I once loved. 

I know in recent days, Liam’s ex-girlfriend has come forward with serious allegations.  

Liam has also been very open about his struggle with mental health and addiction, which are two subjects that are very close and personal to me. 

While Liam struggling with both addiction and mental health doesn’t excuse any of his behavior, or the things he did when he was alive, it makes the circumstances surrounding his death even more devastating for everyone involved. 

I hope for more conversations about helping artists who are exploited as children, and many more conversations about mental health and addiction support. I also hope we continue to uplift survivors of abuse.

I grieve for him, his family, his son, and those who knew him. I also grieve for the thousands of fans who once loved him, the Liam he was in One Direction, for the 13-year-old me who spent hours in my basement watching YouTube videos of One Direction.

Thank you, Liam, for being a part of shaping me into who I am today. I’m sorry for what happened to you and can only hope you’re in a better place now, free from suffering and pain.

Bella

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