I lost my best friend and job during the same month.

Loss. 

It's not something I've ever experienced until my junior year of high school when I physically lost a close family friend, as well as my grandmother- they both died of cancer. 

They say sometimes losing someone or something can be more painful when it's not a physical death. How could that be? 

Because you know that person or thing still has to continue on with their life without you in it. And you have to learn how to move on as well.

I've had friends come and go. They've left just as quickly as they've come in. But nothing has been more impactful than this one. 

We met over two years ago, after we bounded over our experiences. I've never related to anyone more than I did to this girl. I felt like she got me. We spent every waking minute together. She knew my past, my secrets, and my weaknesses- and I knew hers. She was my soul mate. The best friend I had been looking for my entire life, and the person I knew I could rely on. 

It wasn't until the last year of our friendship that I realized giving your entire self to someone, with the expectation of what you know as the definition of a "friend" to a suffering human being like yourself, is extremely dangerous. I could no longer relate to what she was feeling, as our relationship was in this never ending toxic cycle. Because I spent every moment being there for her, all I thought that I should receive is that same love and attention back. I wanted more than anything for someone to be there for me. 

I realized at the times where after I was vulnerable with her, she made me feel like I was crazy- that my wants and my expectations of what of a friend was- was just too much. And maybe it was. 

Within a couple of weeks my boss was telling me that we needed to part ways. I was sitting on my bed wiping the tears from my eyes. I didn't care that my tears were going ruin my fresh pair of eyelashes. I was brought back to that dark place. Being the person I was caused me to lose something that had been so good in my life for the time being. 

This job had fell into my lap about 8 months back when the pandemic was still pretty bad. It wasn't what I had gone to school for, but I took it because the opportunity was amazing, and I needed the money. I met wonderful people, but once a new manager was brought in, she had expectations that were too high for me to meet. I spent most of my time crying, and being overwhelmed every new week a Monday came along. Shouldn't I be happy going to work? 

I said goodbye to everyone two days later, getting into my car after packing up my desk suppressing my sobs. 

In the hour it took to drive home the thought of "this is all my fault" crossed my mind. I was losing everything in my life, and it was all my fault. 

"You should be leaving here with your head held high. You did amazing work," the co-founder of the company I worked for sat me down before I left. His words made me feel validated for the first time in a really long time, as I was enveloped with pictures and memorabilia of the company I was now leaving on his wife's walls. 

It took me a while to understand that it is not your fault when people or things come and go into your life. It just sometimes means that the people who can't understand you are not meant to be in your life. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It means you're you. And when it comes to life- sometimes not everything is meant to last. And that's okay. 

It's the same thing with people. The right person who fits in your life will stay there permanently. The right things and people will make you feel happy, better, and validated. And if they don't...

they were never meant to be in that spot in the first place.