2020.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking- 

It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and actually do what I've loved for most of my life. 

I stopped writing for pleasure for a good year.  

I don't know if it's because of this terrible year. I don't know if it's because current job doesn't exactly entail writing, I don't know if it's because I spent the last 12 months in a cloud. From thinking I had major disassociation anxiety, to a brain tumor, and now a sudden case of on set blindness. 

There were times when I wanted to, don't get me wrong- but during those times, I felt like my brain was fried. I couldn't think creatively. Or I was just too god damn lazy to even put in the effort of writing. I'm not really the person I was. So there has to be something wrong right? 

In the beginning of January I was finishing my last semester at Emerson. I was glad to be back at school, and finish off my last four years of college with my best friends. But then COVID took everything I was looking forward to away from me. It took everything away from everyone, and turned our entire lives upside down. 

After months of watching thousands of people losing their lives to this deadly disease on my television screen, cooped up in my house with no one but my family to keep me sane, a president who only seemed to care about himself, and a negative Twitter timeline telling us the world was going to shit- I've concluded that for a long time....I've just been shut down. 

Struggling with the aftermath of a global pandemic isn't easy. Being able to function like a normal human being during a traumatic event isn't easy. 

I've been in this weird funk trying to validate it with a mental or physical illness like a brain tumor. 

There's a lot of things I did and didn't get to accomplish this year. I don't know if seeing a lot of the people I graduated high school with were able to score these positions, when I'm not at the dream job is something that I internally beat myself up about. 

I'm taking the time to write this out now because I haven't been able to tell myself this until now. Take the time to tell yourself if you haven't already, that getting through this year is enough. 

You've lived through the deadliest days in US history. This year itself is validation that it's okay not to be okay.