Kobe Bryant, the aftermath of his death, and the power of forgiveness.

Photo taken from @tysonbeckdesign on Twitter.

There's significant tragedies in our lives that we'll always remember where we were. When Michael Jackson died, I was at my grandmother's house. I was little at the time, so I wasn't fully aware of what was going on until I saw his funeral on television, and remembered the days my mom would listen to him on her stereo. When Prince died, I was in Mexico with my family for spring break. I was a senior in high school at the time, and I remember feeling a sense of shock as we tried our best to enjoy the break. When Carrie Fisher died, I was in New York..again with family, and felt sadness for her mother who was later to die of what people said....a broken heart. 

When it was announced that Kobe Bryant had died, I was on the couch. It was Sunday afternoon, and I had finally decided to do some homework after a lazy day of lounging. One of my friends had posted on his Snapchat story "no, this can't be true." At the time I had thought that someone he knew had died. I debated reaching out to him, worried, to ask if he was okay until I refreshed my Instagram and saw a story that had been released by TMZ, "Kobe Bryant dies in helicopter crash." 

Of course, I was shocked. I wasn't a big fan of basketball whatsoever but I knew his name. I knew how famous he was on the Lakers. I knew he was one of the best basketball players of all time. I didn't think it was true at first until I searched it into Google and it was all over the internet.  I told my mom who turned on the news. And there it was. The white breaking news strip with the big and black bolded letters.

KOBE BRYANT DEAD AT 41.

My dad walked in the door after a workout shortly after and we told him.

"You got to be freakin kidding me!?" I remember him saying. The three of us sat in the living room watching the news for hours upon hours. Video footage of his practices before his retirement. I remember scrolling through Twitter and discovered the news that his 13 year old daughter, Gianna, was on the plane with him when it went down.  And that's when it hit me. Tears slowly came out of my eyes. This was the first time I had really been upset over a celebrity's death.

I thought about their last final moments on the helicopter. I thought about Gianna asking her dad what was going to happen. I thought about Kobe being scared himself, telling her daughter it was going to be okay. I thought about my dad dying. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I didn't even like basketball. I didn't even know Kobe.

I went back to school after that weekend. My film studies teacher put on his short film, Dear Basketball, that had won an academy award. I sat in the dark room with my classmates and felt tears, yet again, going down my face.

"And we both know, no matter what I do next, I'll always be that kid with the rolled up socks, garbage can in the corner, :05 seconds on the clock, ball in my hands. 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1....Love always, Kobe." -Dear Basketball 

I didn't understand why his death was effecting me more than a lot of significant deaths that I experienced in my lifetime.

After hearing about what happened,  I looked more into his legacy because I indeed, did not know anything about him, except the fact that he was a good basketball player. But beyond that, he was a father to four girls. A good father too. He was helping his daughter Gianna learn the game that he loved so much. She hoped to be in the WNBA one day. When he went on Jimmy Kimmel, Kobe told the host about fans who would come up to him telling him he had to a have a boy to continue his legacy. Gianna would always respond, "I got this." He was also a husband to a wife who had been by his side since she was 17 years old. He was a supporter of multiple charities. He and his wife even had their own, The Kobe and Vanessa Bryant Family Foundation. He donated $1 million dollars to The National Museum of African American History of Culture. A video circulating on Twitter showed Kobe recently staying at the scene of an accident to help the victims. He was indeed, a philanthropist. The greatest basketball player of all time. But most of all, he was human.

I also came across a story that surprised me, though. In fact, when hearing about it I was actually just as shocked when I learned that he had died. Back in 2003, Kobe was accused of sexual assault. I was only 5 at the time. He was 24. A 19 year old hotel employee had gone to the police accusing Kobe of raping her. He was arrested, and pleaded that he was innocent...and the act was what he considered, consensual. And for months he said he was innocent. Many thought he paid the victim off after the charges were dropped. Many thought the victim had tried to get a big pay out from him too.

Now that he had died, the incident was being brought up again. In the moment, reading the story made me feel triggered. I myself have gone through a lot, revolving around mental and sexual abuse. I began to have mixed feelings about him. About his death. I had always associated people who hurt others as monsters.....including rapists, sex offenders, and abusers. I thought about the saying, once an abuser always an abuser. I read Twitter posts from sexual assault victims, saying that this day in general was a hard day. And then I got confused again. And then I was mad thinking about people saying that they had relief because he was gone. What happened to him was horrible.

I really didn't know how I felt.

But I knew I understood how sexual assault victims felt. I thought about the people hurting me dying. How that would feel. But then again, I thought about his family. His wife. His kids. I thought about Gianna. I thought about the people who truly loved him. I thought about how young he was when it happened. And then I read his statement he released after the chargers were dropped:

"First, I want to apologize directly to the young woman involved in this incident. I want to apologize to her for my behavior that night and for the consequences she has suffered in the past year. Although this year has been incredibly difficult for me personally, I can only imagine the pain she has to endure....although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did. After months of reviewing discovery, listening to her attorney, and even her testimony in person, I now understand how she feels that she did not consent to this encounter." 


I believe in the power of forgiveness. That in fact, it can be a big step in the healing process. Have I fully forgiven the person/people who have hurt me in the past...not yet. But I know one day I will.

I do think people can change. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago. I know Kobe wasn't the same man he was when he was 24. I know not all people who do bad things are monsters. And maybe that's a good thing to believe. Maybe it's a bad thing. Maybe it's why I always get taken advantage of for my kindness.

Not everyone does believe this though, or believe in forgiveness itself, including sexual assault and abuse survivors. And that's okay. They're living their own experience. We don't have to completely understand it, but we can be aware of it. We can be educated. We can be sensitive to other people's feelings of Kobe Bryant's death, whether they're positive or negative feelings. We don't have to tell each other what the wrong and right way is to feel.

I do know that from Kobe and his daughter dying tragically in a helicopter crash, that we can enjoy life with every little second we get. Because it's not always guaranteed. It can be taken from us in any moment. Gianna had her whole life ahead of her. A 13 year old girl is still a baby after all. She had high school, prom, college, and her career in front of her. She would have been one of the best basketball players, like her dad. Kobe was only 41. He didn't even get to enjoy his retirement...what the after life of basketball would bring to him,

Kobe Bryant's death, along with Gianna, and the deaths of the other 7 people who were tragically taken from us....has not only taught me, but the rest of the world, to live life to the fullest, to work hard in everything you do to achieve your dreams, to spread kindness, and to appreciate your family......like Kobe did.....but also the incredible power of change and forgiveness....