I Am Body Positive

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We live in a society where appearance is everything. When you download a dating app and spend your Saturday nights single, you swipe right according to what the person looks like, not because of what their bio says. You find yourself looking at what's on the outside versus the inside. You don't consider the way they could make you laugh your butt off, but the way they smile because their teeth are slightly crooked, and you have the automatic thought of "why didn't he/she get braces?"

And that is truly a flaw that society has. When you see a person at the store adorned with jewelry and tattoos or a person who is considered slightly heavier than you, we are taught to look at these people so differently than ourselves.

Throughout my life, I have been considered "chunky." As a little kid, everyone said it was baby fat, and nothing to worry about. When I hit puberty at the age of 12, I was told by the doctor that I was considered medically "overweight." To this day, the word still taunts me.

Without watching my eating habits, I could develop diabetes at a young age. I was diagnosed with PCOS, where weight loss was incredibly difficult to achieve even if I tried. And being only 12 at the time, dieting wasn't exactly on my list of things to do. And let's face it, I liked to eat food. When I went swimming, I hid behind my one pieces. I could feel eyes on me when I wore a bikini even at a young age. I was always the one to finish last during laps at my basketball and volleyball practices. I wasn't "fit." When I sat down, I would feel the rolls of fat underneath me. I can remember holding my stomach and wondering why I wasn't skinny. I wondered how my sister could eat the things I did or not go to the gym but never gain any weight.

When I was a junior in high school, a lot of the friends I had since elementary school were no longer my friends. I also lost my grandfather to cancer. It was also the first time I had started going to therapy. I was diagnosed with emetophobia, the overwhelming fear or anxiety of throwing up. During that time, looking at food just made me nauseous. I spent days over the toilet in the bathroom thinking I was going to throw up. I sometimes starved myself because I didn't want to eat only to throw it back up. I had my first ever boyfriend and wanted to look my best for him. I was the lightest I had ever been in my life, around 120 pounds. I didn't have what everyone considers "a double chin" when I smiled and I no longer had the rolls under my chest when I sat down. I was told by the people around me that I looked great. And even though I was hearing that, of course I wasn't feeling it.

As my anxiety got worse, I finished high school and made my way into college. I kept a lot of the weight I had when I was a pre teen, off. At my first year at Roger Williams University, I was surrounded by one of the best meal programs in the country. A lot of the worrying that I had about throwing up and gaining weight back went away. Instead of the anxiety, I came to the realization that I was also depressed. I didn't like myself regardless of the outside voices telling me I looked better than I had in years. And I started to eat again.

When I posted on instagram, I discovered the app Facetune. As I started to gain the weight back, I would edit out my stomach and face to look how I did in my pictures in high school. Through the dating scene, I was told I looked a lot different in person versus on social media. It was a punch in the stomach, literally. I would be reminded that I was gaining the weight back and was asked why I didn't want to look the way I did back in high school. I was told to go the gym constantly or that I needed to loose a few pounds.  I would go once, then never have the energy or effort to go again. I didn't like going to the gym one bit.

As the anxiety and depression started to go away with the help of therapy and medication, I didn't go to the gym (only occasionally if I felt like it) and I really wasn't worried about impressing anyone or throwing up constantly like I had been. I was back to how I had been before the problems with my mental health. I was, of course, mindful of what I was eating to be healthy, but I still heard the outside voices. They were the cause of the triggers of my anxiety or depression coming back. And that's why I kept Facetuning my pictures.

Being the happiest I've ever been with myself lately, I realized a lot of things about myself. Although I do watch what I eat to keep my body healthy, I indeed will never be skinny. I was in high school, but it was never a healthy skinny.

I was born to be thick. I was born to be bigger than my sister. I was born to have bigger thighs, and a double chin when I smile. I was born to feel the rolls under my chest when I sit down. Because that's when I'm the happiest. Not when I'm being told I look "great" after spending hours in the bathroom or nights crying into my pillow with all my fears weighing on me. I am not the happiest when I'm trying to prove to everyone that I'm someone I'm not. And that's why I decided not to Facetune my pictures anymore. Because I am done hiding. And although I do hear the outside voices of what I need to do with myself in order to be "skinny", it doesn't stop me from being who I am. I do have days when I don't like myself, but I know that is normal for anyone.

It goes back to this problem- telling everyone to just BE skinny because you'll be happier when it's not the case. It goes back to judging everyone else around us. It goes back to telling someone to loose a few pounds when you don't understand the repercussions of the words.

There needs to be a clear distinction of being healthy versus being skinny. You can be 100% healthy, and still not be a tooth pick. It is a concept that is so misconstrued.

Facetune is an app for people to hide themselves from the word. Because it is so popular, it is encouragement of this idea that not being skinny means there's something wrong with you. That having acne and a crooked nose is not ideal for instagram or Facebook.

Body positivity and self love is something that needs to be spread, not Facetune and not the idea that being skinny means being happy.

Body positivity 
According to Wiki, (who doesn't like wikipedia)

Body positivity is a social movement rooted in the belief that all human beings should have a positive body image, while challenging the ways in which society presents and views the physical body.

During the summer, body positivity is something that needs to be emphasized more and more. You don't have to be thin to wear a bikini. You can walk around without a shirt if you please. You can post a picture in your short shorts even if you don't have a thigh gap and it makes you happy. Don't waste your time worrying about what other people are going to say. Don't spend hours making sure the picture you Facetuned actually looks legit.

If you feel confident enough to do it then I please, urge you to. You know who you are, and you know who you want to be. It's a form of self love. When you take the chance of exposing yourself to the world without caring about what others think about you, you are being selfish. And sometimes you have to be.