Visions of Gideon

Ah- the great concept of giving your all to someone, and not receiving the love you give back. A misconstrued quality that can be considered good to some, and bad to others. Being a giving person has it's strengths as well as its weaknesses. Especially when it comes to a relationship.

I have talked about in recent blog posts the feelings surrounding being used. It's a terrible thing. You meet someone, you spend your time finding things out about them, getting to know them-then you find yourself liking them- and by liking them I mean falling for them- and then you watch them walk away, and you know they used you-and you have to be ok with that.

And through that, you have to fill yourself up after being used. Because you gave yourself to that person. When you spent your time finding things out about them and getting to know them, you gave them your time, by listening and asking questions about stuff that doesn't even matter to you, you sat and listened. And in return, you also gave them yourself by telling them your strengths, and your weaknesses. What makes you tick- your past lovers, past relationships, and past secrets you haven't told many people. And then you know them, and you think you know them pretty well that when you're comfortable with them- you're comfortable enough to give them your body. And when you give someone your body-it can be the most vulnerable thing you will ever do. Because when you give that person your body, that is indeed, all of you.

And after giving them your body, the feelings come. Giving a person your body, is also indeed, called making love after all. And then once the feelings are there, and you're looking at this person like they're the moon and stars in your sky, the person that takes up every living thought and breath you take, walks away. Because feelings means wanting to give more of you to someone who cannot reciprocate.

Take it in the case of Elio in Call Me By Your Name. This is a different case all together. These two characters in the story fall for each other in this beautiful cycle of heart ache. Where one person feels like everything they gave to this person was just a waste. Because in the end, like Oliver who ended up getting married to a woman and walking away from Elio, acted like there time together never meant anything to him at all. You see Elio heart broken, because he is empty- he gave Oliver his entire being- and now has to be ok with the fact that what he spent his days living for is now gone.

And why is this accepted? Why are the people who hurt us allowed to live their life without hurting in return? You see this person who you gave your all to, falling in love with other people and being happy. And you find yourself- not happy. In a state of a never ending cycle of doing the same exact thing you already did. Giving yourself to everyone you meet, in hopes that in return, someone will give themselves to you.